Intimacy after Child Birth
How does physical contact, making love, having sex looks like after giving birth? What happens in a woman’s body right after birth? In order for us to be able to answer these questions we first must understand the mechanics of the pelvis and what the pelvis has to go through in order to allow a baby to pass through it. Then we need to study the mind of the woman and understand what it takes for us to process our birthing experience. How does our mind able to digest this most powerful experience and react to it or interpreted it?
When the baby is entering into the pelvis there is a widening of the inlet. Lots of studies are concentrating on that part, but not much studies are focusing on what happens in the outlet area after the baby passed through that and how it affects our after-birth life. Biomechanically we are looking at the forces which are being put on these pelvis bones, and soft tissues. Furthermore, birth pushes the internal organs of our body to different places. There are reasons why women on their postpartum periods when they are going to see a physical therapist, they find that their sacrum bone is off to the
side. Anal sphincters – compressed, stretched, perhaps even damaged in some way and if we do not support the perinium, the pelvic floor, the sphincters, we may not go back to really good functioning after birth. Women are experiencing scar tissues, taring, episiotomies - initiating trauma responds on their body tissues. We need to understand that our pelvic floor muscles are related to our sense of safety and security in our lives. If someone does not feel safe that is the first place that tightens up.
It is not a secret that relationships struggle very much right after birth. Giving birth to a baby, you and your partner go through a whole transformational experience where honest consciousness communication of how we feel and what we need is crucial in our relationship with our partners. Unfortunately, most women are walking around trying to be men with boobs, ignoring completely our gender difference. Forgetting that we are not men; we are built another way and we must acknowledge the difference between the masculine and the famine not only physically but in terms of the energy levels. Furthermore, modern culture sees the feminine as being weak. The term “pussy” is used when describing someone weak and afraid. Ignoring completely the enormous strength of this most beautiful body part that we have, the sacred part that gives us life, that holy part which all human kinds from the beginning of times are basically coming from. Its only when women start connecting back to their parts that they can connect back with their power/energy. We need to get as intimately aware of our pussy/Vagina/Yoni as possibly can and remember what we can do, how enormously strong our body parts are. Being in touch with ourselves, our bodies, our own sexual nature, is important for the healing process.
When a woman is well connected with her body parts, she is also better connected with her bleeding cycles, her health, the mind, able to communicate better with her partner. For example, she will know when she is entering into the fall mood, less wanting to socialise or entertain others. When she is going into her winter this is when she also has the need to hibernate, she’s in her bleeding time, way more vulnerable and sensitive to the surrounding. And then she’s stepping out slowly into her spring, wanting to mingle more, get active and efficient. And finally, she makes it to her summer mood, all pumped up full power and in the masculine energy, totally in the go go go vibe. Acknowledging these cycles can definitely be a life changing for women and also changing the life of a couple.
Being aware of changes to our body and being honest about the fact that marital conflict and dissatisfaction are very common in the first year after childbirth is very helpful to assess your need for more support from close friends and family. Often this kind of help will assist the husband to provide better support to his birthing wife which can significantly reduce the severity and duration of a depression associated with childbirth.
Here are some questions taken from the book ‘This isn’t what I expected’ written by Kleiman and Raskin
to help address the emotional state and satisfaction after childbirth, check the questions that apply to
you:
1. Sometimes my husband seems distant and emotionally unavailable.
2. It is hard to divide my attention and love between my child and my husband.
3. I feel like I’m nagging every time I ask my husband to do one little thing.
4. My husband is happy to take care of the baby – it’s me who never gets any of his affection.
5. I think he must be sorry he ever met me.
6. We never talk about the things that are wrong: our sex life, the fact that we have no money
anymore, or the fact that we can’t go ten minutes without an argument.
7. I know he’s trying to be understanding – its just that he never says the right thing.
Here is an exercise to help you assess your own emotional needs and be more specific about them:
1. I wish my husband would do more of the following:
2. I wish my husband would do less of the following:
3. He just doesn’t seem to understand that, sometimes, all I need is:
4. When I’m feeling sad, I like him to:
5. I think the most important thing I want him to know right now is:
6. Sometimes, I’m afraid to tell him how I really feel, because:
Before a baby is born, most couples have developed habitual ways of oblique communication. Indirect communication can be effective when things are going smoothly. But the stress that PPD places on marriages may require from couples to develop new ways of relating to each other and to actively strengthen clear and direct communication. The only way a partner can really know what a newly birthing mother needs, begins by her knowing what she needs, and then by her communicating that to her partner somehow.
Among the new reality, the new life style that a fresh couple goes through, Sex life is almost always a concern. Different reasons will influence the temporarily lose of interest in sex after birth of a child, whether they suffer from PPD: episiotomy stiches, caesarian-section recovery, exhaustion, tenderness, self-consciousness, and hormone changes, and a fear of getting pregnant again.
The exhaustion of the day builds up and the pressure inside many mothers would make them feel like they would explode if their husband touched them at all. Women with PPD also suffer from profound fatigue, low self-esteem, poor body image, and biochemical changes in the part of the brain that regulates sexuality.
Even if sex is not on your agenda right now, talking about it must be in order to avoid misunderstandings that can lead to anger and hurt feelings later. Women after child birth are very vulnerable and sensitive, feeling low sex drive however often they have an increased need for affection and touching. Nonsexual touching is a vital part of the relationship for the new parents.
In many ways a new woman is being born after child birth, a new woman, with a new and changing body, having different needs and desires than the one who was left behind before pregnancy, before the baby even existed. Very important to acknowledge that after giving birth our bodies are less forgiving when it comes to penetration without full arousal. Moreover, when postpartum women say they have low libido, they are still open to sex and even want it, but they just don’t want the sex they used to have previously. They want intimate connection that is relevant to them at that moment.
There can be physical obstacles as well as psychological and mental ones that make it more difficult to engage when our bodies are not ready. Any kind of birth injury may create tenderness, both emotionally and physically. Our ability to lubricate can be affected by factors from hormones to breastfeeding to scar tissue. If our estrogen levels are low, the vaginal skin can feel thin and sensitive. Breastfeeding requires a lot of output of fluids, and your body may not be producing enough fluids for breastmilk and vaginal lubrication. Scar tissue can block lubrication-producing glands. The ability to release fluids is also
governed by the parasympathetic nervous system. Feeling anxious or unable to relax, the body may not lubricate easily. To encourage lubrication, drinking plenty of fluids and using lube can help. And most importantly make sure you are aroused and totally ready, mentally, and physically, for penetration. Each women’s timeline for this is different. For most women they feel as if they are starting over again with their sexual identity and desires after having a baby.
Having your partner tend to your perineum or hemorrhoids is not the stuff of romance, nor are leaking breasts when you make love, baby vomit on your pajamas, and any of the daily realities of new parents. And these realities must to be communicated about, to letting all these unspoken matters set free and discussed openly about. This does not mean we need to come up with “solutions” to fix any of these issues, because we are not here to find problem and solutions. It is important to speak about our transition into parenthood, from a body and mind perspective, and figure out our landing into this new life. There is not one way of doing things, each couple finds their own way, but it is however extremely important to speak openly about it and ideally prior to birth.
Resources:
This is not what I expected, by Karen and Valerie.
The fourth trimester, by Kimberly.
Natural health after birth, by Aviva.
The Holistic OBGYN Podcast #6 – things with Ben Joseph Stewart: sensational musician and filmmaker
The Holistic OBGYN Podcast #32 – Kirsti Pratt: reclaiming your pussy power
The Holistic OBGYN Podcast #47 – Lynn Schulte PT: how birth trauma impacts the body
